When you owe the government millions of dollars in back taxes, you have to get creative about your holiday planning. In order to not attract too much attention to your Cayman Islands account, you either have to accept vacationing like a commoner, which means standing in line 100 deep at Disneyland behind a bunch nose-mining little morons in Goofy shirts, half of whom will vomit on your Bruno Malis. Or, you look for unconventional forms of vacation, preferably on the government’s dime and with their full and enthusiastic approval. Like Capone. He needed a little time away from the bitter chill of Chicago so he got himself a bay-side room in San Francisco without having to drop a dime. Go on Orbitz and price bay-side rooms right now and tell me who’s offering free airfare, room and amenities. No one, that’s who.

Art Alexakis, a man who was once in the hole 4 million to the IRS, has his next two vacations set in tropical locals that would make Bill Gates jealous without having to drop a dime. Who else do you know that’s going to Cuba for Memorial Day and Hawaii for the 4^th of July for free? Huh? Just Art.  

Everclear have announced that they will perform at Guantanamo Bay over Memorial Day weekend and will perform over 4th of July weekend at the Marine Corps base on Oahu. “There are folks in uniform all over the world, and at home, looking out for us -- and to play for them is an honor. Not a bad way to spend the holiday weekends.”

Do you want to make your voice mail 1000% smarmier? Do you want to get sexual harassment suits filed against you by robo-dialers? Do you want your outgoing message dripping with the sounds of a lascivious geriatric who wants to bone your sister AND your mom in equal parts? Then tell Gene Simmons about hookers. Can’t draw the line of connection between these two wholly disparate concepts? Then you’re probably not a KISS fan. Those of you in the KISS Army probably have already deduced, based on nothing other than what I’ve told you, that Gene is writing a book on prostitution and he’s asking for essays from fans, the winner of which will win Gene’s voice on their answering machine message. NPR listeners are already clawing at their eyes at the image of their beloved Karl Cassell in KISS makeup, waggling his tongue and thrusting his codpiece at them as he reads the morning news, because this is the same prize that the NPR Game Show “Wait, Wait, Don’t Tell Me” gives away, with Karl’s voice on the voice mail, not Gene’s.

Essentially, Gene Simmons’s latest book is called “Ladies of the Night” and it focuses on the history of prostitution. To promote the book, Gene is holding an essay contest that asks fans to submit a composition of 200 words or less about if prostitution is good or bad. The deadline for entering over at genesimmons.com is June 8^th. “Ladies of the Night” hits shelves on July 8th.