Rockstar speculation is so fun. For me, that is. For the rockstars being speculated about, my theories all end in one of a very few, very dark, very unpleasant alleys. When a band breaks up “amicably” it means one dude pulled a gun on his band mates while high on crystal meth and humping a hotel radiator. If a band cancels a show due to a “scheduling conflict” it means that no one gives two craps about their garbage new album and isn’t willing to drop 50 bucks to hear music that was stale ten years ago leaving the band with a grand total of 23 tickets sold out of a 20 thousand seat venue. If a rockstar has a “medical condition,” it typically means rehab or they garroted a hooker to death with a high E guitar string. But this one time, my speculation is especially exciting because the one who I’m speculating about could actually have a medical condition… OR rehab! Van Halen has postponed concerts this week as guitarist Eddie Van Halen undergoes medical testing for an undisclosed condition. If you will remember, Eddie checked into rehab right before this tour began, so it’s possible that the rigors of the road shoved him off the back the wagon and face down into a puddle of Jack Daniels. Or, Eddie’s tongue cancer could have made a encore appearance. OR, Eddie’s other hip could need replacing. So many horrible possibilities for Eddie Van Halen for me to speculate about!

Reality TV sucks and gets worse by the day. The number of good reality shows can be counted the number of fingers remaining on the drummer for Def Leppard’s left arm.

For those pubescent members of our audience who are unaware of how many fingers Rick Allen has on his left hand (or of the existence of a band called Def Leppard, for that matter) the answer is zero because he lost that arm after crashing his Vette and being ejected from the car. 

No one knows how bad reality TV is more than Ozzy, who starred in a whole bunch of it a few years ago. Actually, his show was entertaining, but that was mostly because at the time he was about the only celebrity train wreck on TV. Now you can’t set your Tivo without some former famous nobody crying about having to Rusty Trombone Dom Deloise for model glue money. But Ozzy says that, now that he’s not the star of one, he hates reality TV. Ozzy says, “I’m sick and tired of it.  It seems that every time I turn on the TV they’ve got another bunch of celebrities with cameras in their faces following them around for a new show and I can’t stand it. The only good reality show I can think of now is taking a whole bunch of kids, a wild animal and a bucket of dog s**t.  That’s what I think of the whole thing.” 

Of course, that hasn’t stopped Ozzy from being followed around by cameras. Jack is creating a documentary about his dad.