Alright, all you jack-holes out there who whine about how Radiohead are nothing but a bunch of prissy, brick-biting, emo, Limeys who do nothing all day but tune their Casio keyboards and collect their tears in Ball jars so that they may bathe in them the next time they get a bad review. Time to take it back because, as it turns out, Thom York is a real man who knows a real day’s work. He’s like the British equivalent of Bruce Springsteen. A man who understands the blue collar worker because he is one. That’s right, Thom York spent last summer helping a buddy remodel his house. He was like that construction worker dude from the Bugs Bunny cartoons running up 20 flights of stairs with a load of bricks and a steel I beam on his shoulder. York says he worked for about two weeks and said that it was "difficult," but he enjoyed "smashing stuff up." That’s because he’s a real man! That’s metal.

Metallica fans, I don’t want to get your hopes up… well, actually I do want to get your hopes up just so that you can face yet another bitter disappointment and I can laugh heartily at your pain. Haa, haa, haa, haaaa… I’m such a  lonely, bitter man.

But, if you wish to avoid my sneering condescension and my gleeful giggles and someone dumps a hot load of schadenfreude on my chest, then don’t get too excited about the rumors of a Metallica tour, whose announcement is said to be coming sometime this week.  MetClub, the official fan club for the band, sent an e-mail to its members last week that stated, “Hopefully you all know by now, the boys will be heading back to Europe this summer…Just a friendly ‘heads up’ that a few more shows are coming your way as we’re getting ready to announce dates on the second part of their summer vacation. As for you Americans who have been having a good moan, we’ll have a little something for you next week.  No more hints for now.” 

When they say something like this, it usually results in a couple of big festival dates, as if that’s supposed to satiate the entire continent. “Hey, for all you Americans. We’ve got good news! Metallica is going to play a one-off in Tallahassee and then fly immediately back to England.” Yay! I’m gonna spend three grand on a ticket to fly to the land of crocodile rape and anti-freeze drinking competitions to watch Metallica in an outdoor sauna.  

Well, it has begun. Watch the net because the inevitable Francis Bean vs. the Space Needle sex tape is bound to show up eventually. Look for her, all strung out, with her head in the bilk yeast bucket at Freddy’s trying to snort it clean. Francis Bean is stepping into the spotlight. According to Rolling Stone, she’ll be modeling for a pictorial in next month’s issue of Harper’s Bazaar. I was hoping that she would have been the grounded one that goes to college and gets an engineering degree and quietly tears down slum housing, booting its residents out on the street so she could build more high end condos.