As any child of divorce knows, how bad a situation is depends on who you talk to. If you talk to your dad it’s all, “It’s OK little buddy. You still have a mommy and daddy and, even though daddy lives in a sweet condo with mirrors on the ceiling which he’ll use to watch himself bang multitudes of skanky college girls that he lures over to his house with illicit drugs and some lie about being a record executive on the lookout for hot young talent, both mommy and daddy still love you. And maybe we’ll all be together again someday. Oh and don’t tell you mom all that stuff about the skanks, at least not until after the divorce is final.” If you talk to you mom, it’s all, “You father has abandoned us all to be eaten by wolves. Did I ever tell you how he begged me to get an abortion when I found out I was pregnant with you? Well, he did. He’s never coming back. He’s dead to us. Now give me your Atari so I can hawk it so we don’t starve to death.”

 

That’s divorce, and a little of that two-sides-to-every-break-up mentality seems to have seeped into marriage that was once System of a Down, but not nearly as guilt-laden and vitriolic. 

 

First up, the daddy in the relationship, Shavo, who’s new website URSession.com allows bands to upload videos to increase their visibility and get noticed by fans or by Shavo himself. Here’s what dad has to say about the System hiatus.

 

 (Actuality #2) “We’re together, but we’re not working together right now. People ask me ‘are you broken up or is this just a publicity?’ No it’s not a publicity, we’re all working hard on everything.” (Actuality #3) “We never put a time frame and never said ‘we’re going to take hiatus on this date. It just happened like, ‘You know what man? If we don’t break right now for a while, we’ll break.’ So we were smart. We’ll be picking up right where we left off with all this new inspiration.”

 

And now for mommy, Daron, who’s involved in his new band- not a side project, he says this is his new band- Scars on Broadway. Daron’s take is much more grim than Shavo’s

 

He says, "There's no talk of System doing anything. We're not planning on doing anything. If anyone's holding their breath for a System record, they're going to turn blue and pass out. It's a long ways away, if it ever even happens. We don't even talk about it — none of us. This is my band right now."

 

So System fans, as any child of divorce can tell you, the faster you give up hope and strt exhibiting self destructive behavior as a way of lashing out, the better.

 

 

 

 

 

 

And every Rock-a-thon, the three Green Jelly fans in Portland make their presence known by requesting “Three Little Pigs” at least six times over the course of the day. And those three fans will be glad to know that Green Jelly has reformed and plan to tour this summer. It’s not entirely clear if Danny Caret and Maynard James Keenan from Tool will rejoin their former band, but it is definitely possible since, outside of writing and recording a new Tool record, they have very little on their plates. They only have a couple of dates set in the mid-west for right now, but we’ll let you know if they decide to roll through Portland.

 

 

For more information, visit www.myspace.com/greenjelly.

 

 

 

 

And good news for people who like the sight of wrinkly old balls and saggy man-boobs covered in gray chest hair: Ozzy may appear naked on TV tonight. The Brit Awards are tonight. They’re essentially the British Grammys. For whatever reason, the organizers are under the impression that he’s going to walk out on stage naked. Their reasoning is a little weak, which leads me to believe that this whole thing is to get people to watch their awards show, but basically it has something to do with Sharon saying that Ozzy sleepwalks naked in hotels and her having to tie bells on the door to wake him up in case he decides to take a stroll in the middle of the night.

 

Producers say they’re scared because “the minute he realizes he will be the center of attention you just know he’ll want to play it up.”

 

Ozzy’s been the center of attention for the last thirty years and he has yet to streak an awards show, which makes me believe this whole thing is crap, but just in case you wake up tomorrow to pictures Ozzy wearing something that looks like a couple of ping pong balls in a old wool sock, don’t say I didn’t warn you.